Your Loss

I have really found some self worth in myself when it comes to guys. If you don't want to be with me then it's your loss. I am a great catch, and if you don't see that then you don't deserve me. I have been going through my past few years feeling down on myself, as if I am not good enough for all these failed relationships and men who do not like me the way I like them. I have found that its not my fault. It's ridiculous that I have been making myself so depressed because some guy does not want to be with me, as if there is something wrong with me.

There are so many songs and movies that tell society and young people that they need a companion to make them happy. I was one of the people who fell for this crap. We live in a society where everything around us is designed to bring us down as human beings. Once you realize this, everything becomes so clear. I can't count how many movies I have seen that tell us that we need someone to make us whole and that being in a relationship is the only thing that will make you whole. In Jerry Maguire, Tom Cruise tells Renee Zellweger, "You Complete Me." However in all reality, you have to complete yourself before you can let someone be a partner to your life. You should not need that person to complete the emptiness thats inside of you. You need to fill that hole yourself.

I have come to realize this and will no longer be forced to think that I need a guy to make me happy. Without sounding egotistical, I am a great guy and anybody would be privileged to have me in their life. Many people have not liked me romantically and platonically, because of who I have been in the past. I am a different person then I used to be and have realized the power of self in my life. I don't let people who I care about slip through my fingers because of my depression, because I have taken control and refuse to be depressed anymore. There is no reason to be. If people don't want to see and know the real me, then again, IT'S THEIR LOSS.

I am going to start to live my life to the fullest and not let love and stupid people bring me down and depress me. My life is good, and it stupid of me to think otherwise. I know I have some struggles coming to me in the future, but I look forward to the fight because I have completed myself. I challenge everyone to try and complete themselves without another human being. It will take a lot of work, but it's your life. You should take priority in your life. That may seem selfish, but before you can help or be emotionally connected to anyone you need make yourself whole. This is my challenge to you.

December 18, 2010

So, this is my first blog entry. I decided to do this so I can just put my emotions and stuff out there. I have a bad tendency to keep everything I am feeling inside, and let it all brew up till I explode. I thought that having a place to put down where I am at in my life and the things that are going through my head, it would help me cope with life. So here I go:

I feel like there is something missing. Like a void that had not been filled yet. I am not sure what it is or how I can fix it, I just know that I need some unknown "thing" or person to make me feel whole. Have you ever been at a place in your life where everything seems to be going for you, but for some odd reason you feel alone and empty? Thats what it is for me at this moment. I just finished directing a great show with a great cast. I have the best friends anyone can ask for. I am finally becoming "one of the guys" for the first time in my life. There is a beautiful new niece in my life. So what is missing? I don't know.

The obvious answer is a boyfriend, but thats not it. I know what it feels like to want a boyfriend, or a companion that I can live my life with. This is not that feeling. This is something personal. There is something with me that is missing. I am trying to be a better person. Treating people with more respect, and not being the bitch that I have tended to be. I have gone my whole life being a total bitch to keep people away. I did not want them to see the real me because what if they did not like the real me. I kept this wall up, and no one could get through it. I am in the process of letting that wall down and letting people in. It's hard but I am trying.

I want to be truly me, and find what is missing in my life before I decide to leave Texas and make a name for myself. I can't go out into the world as an adult and have that wall up, or feel like I am not okay with who I am. I want to feel whole before I show the world Jeremy Brown. Once I do show them though, watch out. I am going to take the world by storm, and show people what I can do as an artist and a person.