December 18, 2010

So, this is my first blog entry. I decided to do this so I can just put my emotions and stuff out there. I have a bad tendency to keep everything I am feeling inside, and let it all brew up till I explode. I thought that having a place to put down where I am at in my life and the things that are going through my head, it would help me cope with life. So here I go:

I feel like there is something missing. Like a void that had not been filled yet. I am not sure what it is or how I can fix it, I just know that I need some unknown "thing" or person to make me feel whole. Have you ever been at a place in your life where everything seems to be going for you, but for some odd reason you feel alone and empty? Thats what it is for me at this moment. I just finished directing a great show with a great cast. I have the best friends anyone can ask for. I am finally becoming "one of the guys" for the first time in my life. There is a beautiful new niece in my life. So what is missing? I don't know.

The obvious answer is a boyfriend, but thats not it. I know what it feels like to want a boyfriend, or a companion that I can live my life with. This is not that feeling. This is something personal. There is something with me that is missing. I am trying to be a better person. Treating people with more respect, and not being the bitch that I have tended to be. I have gone my whole life being a total bitch to keep people away. I did not want them to see the real me because what if they did not like the real me. I kept this wall up, and no one could get through it. I am in the process of letting that wall down and letting people in. It's hard but I am trying.

I want to be truly me, and find what is missing in my life before I decide to leave Texas and make a name for myself. I can't go out into the world as an adult and have that wall up, or feel like I am not okay with who I am. I want to feel whole before I show the world Jeremy Brown. Once I do show them though, watch out. I am going to take the world by storm, and show people what I can do as an artist and a person.